


Dearest,

by ohno_lovelyvela



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Just my sad feelings, M/M, Unrequited Love, mark is in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-15 14:41:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18671749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohno_lovelyvela/pseuds/ohno_lovelyvela
Summary: Mark loves for the first and only time.





	Dearest,

**Author's Note:**

> This is really heavily based on my personal experience. I wrote this whenever I felt sad and eventually kept adding on it. Its sad but ayeeeee das life. but yeah love sucks ass anyways!

He was no longer a teenager. He turned 20 a few months back and he was already a sophomore pursuing engineering. Mark lee was now an adult, a university student, who went to parties, met new people every other day. It wasn't like high school, where rumors were cooked up and spread easily, where a different face was a rarity. It wasn't a place of easy crushes and asking out people to prom in the school cafeteria. It wasn't where donghyuck was. 

Mark never voices his thoughts lest he sounds stupid. Like he couldn't move on from being a teenager. but how could he when being a teenager meant that donghyuck was there everyday? when it meant they would fight but still make up somehow; when it meant that them clashing was a second nature they knew how to handle; their form of communication.

Now everyone was sure and moving in a blink of an eye. No one was laughing with the familiar mirth only he possessed. No one wore a uniform that they rolled to their knees because it was fun to look different. No one wore a bright blue hoodie to school even though it broke the dress code, and earned them detention for continuously ignoring the instructions. In university, everyone was different. They all wore their identities on their clothes, yet mark did not doubt if donghyuck had followed him here he’d still stand out. Donghuck always stood out. He was always the one to receive a hundred confessions a year. He was the one everyone harbored a crush for at least once during their teen years. He was the teachers’ pet, everyone’s friend, and the sun that shined in school. Wherever he stood, he would be the only thing people, including mark, took notice of. 

Mark always wonders if that is how he is now, in his new life three hours away from mark. 

They don't talk anymore. Strangers birthed from circumstances and by time. They luckily contact each other once in a while, sharing polite greetings, due to their mutual friends. 

Mark thinks donghyuck forgot him, is in the process of forgetting him. so why? why cant he move on?

Donghyuck being mark’s first love probably had to do something with it. but weren’t high school crushes stupid? wasn't young love always stupid, innocent and short? weren't first loves meant to be the thing of one’s past? 

so why was he still thinking about holding donghyuck’s hand like he couldn't in the past? Why was he still thinking of hugging him to sleep when he knew the younger probably had someone to do that for him now? why was he still wondering what would it feel like to kiss his plush lips? 

“In a year from now, We will walk past each other, and we will ignore each other. We will become nothing and I can already foresee it”, he had once told donghyuck.

“Why would you say that! we will always be friends mark lee”, donghyuck had replied, dismissing the statement mark had let out in a moment of vulnerability. He had known from the moment they miraculously became friends that a day will come where it will all end. The late night phone calls. The sneaking out. The ditching school to hang out and try out new drinks from the diner across the street. From sharing chocolate, to sharing his damned blue hoodie, it was all going to end and it did. It ended gradually and mark saw their relationship, that was always something more than a friendship but _not_ , wither right in front of his eyes.

Had he done something. Told the boy that he loved him, maybe they would have been more now. But he hadn’t. and now they were nothing. 

when mark first confessed they did not share a bond. They were strangers. Mark knew donghyuck because he was the social butterfly that flew in every corner of their high school. Donghyuck knew of mark because he was the knew foreign transfer student. They hadn't interacted much until the food bazaar the school held to raise money for donation. Mark’s mom helped him make strawberry cupcakes because his cooking skills halted at making soggy ramyun and that was about it. Donghyuck had come across his stall, bought three cupcakes from himself and his friends. Mark rememberers the way donghyuck’s face lit up the moment he bit into the strawberry frosting. Mark felt his face heat up at the way donghyuck enjoyed the cupcake. because this is what it looked like. This is what every love story described, this is what every sentimental singer sang about, this is what every poet wrote about. How can someone hold the sun in their eyes?

The next day, during their shared PE class, where the boys rowdily played soccer and the girls played doge ball, donghyuck and mark where on opposing teams. Mark never like sports. He did not like running and sweating, but on that day he sweat so much from just running idly pretending to play while staring at donghyuck’s energized form. He looked so carefree and delighted running after the ball, that mark forced himself to look closely at the game and try to understand how it was making the other boy so happy. 

On that day, while he was on his way to the shower stalls, a sweaty donghyuck had cornered an equally sweaty mark. Under his gaze mark felt as though he didn't have a heart. Like his body was made up of heat and blood, which torturously rushed to his brain and he couldn't think anymore.

Donghyuck was talking, but mark wasn't listening. He _couldn’t_ listen. His ears felt hot and all he could see were donghyuck’s plush lips moving; rounding to let out words mark couldn't make out from sheer nervousness. 

“—and I loved the cupcakes! do you think you can get me more mark lee?”

mark’s brain short circuited, and he desperately wanted donghyuck to move away, because he couldn't handle feeling as though if donghyuck did as much as blow his way he’d crumble and fall down in a miserable puddle of infatuation. 

“Yeah. sure I will get you some. I think I still have extra back home.”, he swiftly lied.

mark did not have any cupcakes at home. All he could think about was the fact that donghyuck knew his name and he wanted cupcakes and he’ll make sure donghyuck gets these cupcakes even if it’s the last thing he does.

It took a little begging but his mom had given in to help him make the cupcakes on the sole condition he tells her who wanted them, and how they managed to make him beg for them. Mark felt his heart beat loudly, so he lied, for the second time that day, that jeno said he’ll only tutor him if he gets cupcakes. His mom sounded convinced and mark had sighed relieved. 

Unexpectedly, or rather, predictably if he were a tad more honest with himself, the next day mark panicked on his way to give donghyuck the cupcakes. He felt confident and sure at first. All he had to do was walk up to the boy and give him the set of cutely wrapped pink cupcakes. however, the moment he saw the younger boy sitting and chatting loudly with his friends, time seemed to fly backwards. He couldn’t step forward or move back. His heart started beating loudly, and _oh god_ , he couldn't do it. Instead he ran back to where he knew jeno was kissing jaemin’s face in the cafeteria, and yanked them off each other. he forced jeno to give donghyuck the cupcakes with the threat that he wouldn't tutor him if he didn't do it. It was jeno that needed tutoring not him.

The next morning a paper had slipped down when he opened his locker. The handwriting was unfamiliar, but the words gave away who was behind it:

_“The cupcakes were delicious. I wish it was you who gave them to me tho :(“_

He remembers his scalding face and the wide smile threatening to hurt his cheeks. He still has this tiny note folded and tucked at the back of his phone safely encased. 

They were still considerable strangers when mark decided to confess. He had planned everything he wanted to say yet, to this day, he doesn't remember what gibberish he had spouted to donghyuck’s face. All he remembers saying is “I love you”, and donghyuck smiling and telling him, “Don't say that you love me. Love is a big word. Maybe you like me and it’s just a phase. Boys do not like other boys for long”

Mark blushed embarrassingly conspicuously and walked away without a word; he couldn't listen to what donghyuck was saying. How could he not understand the power he had over him? How can he dare to tell him he was wrong about his feelings? Mark did not understand the difference of liking or loving; all he knew was that he felt so strongly for donghyuck, and he had never felt like that before. To hell, fine, he _liked_ donghyuck, and it was not a phase. How can it be a phase when he felt like melting whenever donghyuck merely glanced at him?

But now, years later, he knows. Now he knows why liking someone is different than loving them, because the only person he’ll ever love is donghyuck. He liked people but the crushes he harbored, like the ones he had for jung jaehyun when he was freshly graduated, disappeared as soon as they appeared. None of them were donghyuck. He physically and emotionally couldn't notice anyone else. His mind was always stuck on a person he couldn't talk to anymore. His heart would only latch on the thoughts of donghyuck. How donghyuck laughed when he found mark dumb. How donghyuck would smile fondly at him. How donghyuck enjoyed playing sports. How donghyuck’s hair bounced when he moved. If it wasn't donghyuck, his heart wouldn't have it.

_“I wanna date you. I know you rejected me once. and it has been a good few years now. I am not saying your feelings suddenly changed. I know you are not gay. I know you wouldn't like a boy like me. Look at you. I’ll be robbing you of a chance with a great girl and I know it. I also know I will marry a girl one day. I will have with her— the children, the house, the honeymoon— everything I want to have with you instead. So think about it because I’ll go crazy if I don't get the chance to love you like I want to. To take care of you like I want to. To kiss you when I want to. To hold your hand when I want to. To stare at your smile when I want to. I want to be there for your small details before we both have to go on and live our lives with women. Fuck. I know this sounds so fucking gay, but I don't think I’ll love anyone as much as I love you.”_

Mark doesn't rob donghyuck after all. and they do see each other again. It’s a happy occurrence. Except that donghyuck promises a pretty girl at the altar eternal love while mark stand at the back of the hall struggling to not fall and cry. What mattered the most was that donghyuck was happy. 

**Author's Note:**

> Yo u can catch me on twt @/jai_peach7


End file.
